Some things will never change with me, I suppose. I guess I have a ideal in my head, or just really stubborn habits.

It’s been a good winter, looking back. Used the fireplace a lot and got back into music. During this time of reflection, I learned a lot about myself and that I don’t do well with changing myself. At least where hardcore effort is involved. I find I go back to my original form, tenfold.

I’ve had to change my perspective ever so slightly, which was the perspective I had before… when I was happy. I became unhappy because I thought the things that were making me happy were wrong. Somehow, I felt guilty about certain pleasures (however mild) being wrong and these were flashbacks of teachings from 2 people who are utterly miserable (my parents). What do they know about happiness? They’ve always been jealous that I was “free” and they were, day after day, living with the biggest mistakes of their lives : each other.

My mother lives in religious fear. Can one fear God and still enjoy life? Is their some medium? I don’t think God wants anyone to be so miserable. I really don’t. Trying to understand God is like an ant trying to understand a human, so I’ll keep it light…

My father is narcissistic and mean. That’s all I’ll say about him. Either way, what I been through with them (only child mind you) and always being under mother’s thumb, did a number on me. So, I had some sorting out to do. How I was able to live with them so long is beyond me. Oh yeah… drugs & alcohol, full time jobs and full time school, not to mention a full time social life.

I’ve met some characters on the road to escapism. I’ve dealt with a lot of people I wouldn’t have normally, if I had a good family life. I was desperate for a family. My friends were a dysfunctional family, but not as dysfunctional as my real family. I was so used to being numb all of the time. Now that I’m not, it’s like all the problems I ran away from fell like shit from the sky and there isn’t an umbrella big enough to shield me.

When reality caught up with me, I went berzerk.

I’m feeling better now and it’s all thaat matters.

That’s so 2008.

Spent all my money on perfumes, handbags, and shoes. I spent every last cent I had which left me with no groceries for 3 days until I finally had to call my mother (in another state) to order myself a pizza. I was so hungry, mystomach was eating itself. I know I’ve been cutting back on eating anyway, but this was to the point of starvation.

I plead temporary insanity! This month’s monthly visitor was ruthless. I have been mental and sad for about 4 days now and I hope I can get back to normal sooner than later. I’m not sure if the PMS brought to light the things that have been buried deep in my mind or if it’s making me think things that aren’t there. The homesickness, the unhappiness, the boredome, the carelessness. I’m not sure if it makes me more in tune with myself or if it’s an exaggeration of things that enter in and out of my mind.

It seems like ever since I got on Facebook, bad memories from the past have surfaced more than usual. I have had dreams of people I had wanted to shut out of my life for good. Just today, I had a dream about Heather, a girl who was always horrible to me for many years. The dream was so vivid that I woke up feeling as though we had just hung out. It was awful.

All in all, Something’s not right… with my life… or is everything fine? Am I being ungrateful? Am I bored or lonely? I am not sure about anything anymore…

On the up side, I got my new Holga and some film today! D and I are going to Raleigh on Saturday for his birthday, so this will be a great oppertunity to really absorb the environment and explore! I’m excited. Next on my list, I want to get a new point and shoot, since the digi I have now takes forever and a day to open and use, not to mention it’s really bulky! I want something simple like a Kodak EasyShare. No frills, no bells and whistles.

I’m already tired of Facebook. I don’t even talk to anyone on my friends list and the people I do interact with live within a 1 mile radius. I scoped out the friends of my friends, seeing faces of friends past, triggering bad memories and then I began to feel low. Somehow that life crept into my present thought and conjured up bad memories of unresolved issues with people. It’s not worth even trying to reconcile or to try to work things out. The bottom line is that I just have to let it go and not let it bother me. I can’t isolate myself because of people I don’t want to see… it’s not as though I live in the same town, or state, anymore. I’ve got to let it go and put myself back out there and be able to open up with a light heart!

On a whim, I decided to drink wine yesterday which really set off my home-sickness; so much so, that I signed up for a Facebook account. D and I had an agreement of not having a social networking account, mainly because he gets drunk and contacts old girlfriends. The talk he talks with his male friends is dispicable at best; so, I made him cancel his account and I canceled mine to be fair.

I basically got caught when I didn’t shut the computer down completely and just turned the screen off and ran to the store, briefly. I was gone 10 minutes and was busted. He was in the next room, asleep. It was 7 PM. I was bored, lonely, buzzed and homesick. He turned the computer off on his way to the bedroom.

If I truly wanted to be sneaky, I could have used my own personal laptop, elsewhere. I wasn’t trying to be malicious… I just wanted to see some familiar faces and shoot the shit with my schoolmates.

D’s a terrible drinking partner. D has a drinking PROBLEM! He’s no fun… 1.) Drink 2.) Paint 3.)Eat 4.) Pass out. He’s usually in bed by 9PM and I’m bored to tears… literally.

I have mixed feelings about EVERYTHING these days. Some days, I really can’t stand him. Some days, I can’t stand living here, my life, choices I’ve made.

I know I’m not missing much back home and can NEVER forget why I left. After time, the bad tends to fade and the good memories start to surface, but it’s an illusion.

One thing’s for sure: I need to get out more. I’ve become such a recluse because I live in such a big area and don’t know where to begin, but I’m done with excuses. I am going to use photography as a springboard for exploration. I can’t be idle anymore, it’s killing me. I HAVE GOT TO START LIVING! RIGHT NOW!

D’s mom is spewing vitriol again and I started FUMING today. She misconstrues EVERYTHING and doesn’t have a clue what she’s talking about, ever. She’s a VILE, VILE woman.

That is All.

Instead of chopping off my hair, I bought a new pair of shoes! I am super happy with them.

A couple of weeks ago, I also purchased another pair of booties by 80%20

So, looks like I’m all set for winter, shoe-wise!

The new neighbors downstairs are deep-frying a turkey outside on their balcony. All of the stank is wafting up and my apartment reeks of really bad oil, like it’s been recycled a few times before. Personally, I think it’s kind of dangerous to fry things on an apartment balcony. Secondly, it’s rude to force others to smell deep fried crap; if it smelled good, they’d have fried it in their own kitchen.

Been keeping up with my hula hoop routine and I feel great! I was going to do 30 minutes everyday, but it just wasn’t intense enough. Now, I’m doing an hour every other day, so I get the burn and intensity that I need. I’m sticking with it and it makes me happy. I’m allowing myself 1 day a week of freedom. I had that night last night when I drank wine and ate at Wendy’s. I never eat fast food, but the way I see it, I would have consumed the same amount of calories today, had I participated in Thanksgiving feasting. Usually, fast food makes me really depressed the day after I eat it. So far, I have not experienced any sort of backlash from the wine or Wendy’s.

I want to drop 10 pounds. It won’t be that hard since I am disciplined and focused. I am tall with a small frame, so the extra baggage I’m carrying around right now is a nuisance more than anything else. 

Dad got a new car. I knew he was going to buy something big because he had 9 days of vacation time and when he’s off, he gets bored and buys stuff. Just had that feeling. They went out-of-town today, to Delaware, just to get out of the house and take a ride in the new whip. They didn’t do Thanksgiving this year either, mostly because I wasn’t there and tomorrow, mom is celebrating Eid.

Other than that, I’ve just been chilling, laying low!

There are concerns that anorexics and bulimics will be encouraged to starve themselves, but that’s not really what I got from her motto.

I’ve taken into consideration that Miss Moss has to have weight on the brain since it is her bread and butter; the industry she’s involved in is basically based on weight, so I’m sure it’s in the forefront of her mind.

I take what she said as a deterrent, more than anything, perhaps a personal reminder not to scarf down certain fares she’s confronted with attending many parties, dinners, and events regularly. After all, aren’t we all tempted with irresistable confectionaries? Most times, I haven’t the will power to just say no!

I know a lot of people look up to Kate and models in general, but I don’t think she’s responsible should there be a sudden wave of purging. It’s extreme to binge and it’s extreme to purge. It’s also extreme to pin serious epidemics on one person. I’m not trying to sound insensitive; I know what it’s like to hang on the words of someone you admire!

I’m bored with actors and musicians (or their crotch fruit) making the cover of magazines and modeling in general. I want real supermodels back!

Here’s my homage to the pretty ladies that made my eyes sing!

Linda Evangelista

Karen Elson

 Erin O’Connor

Alek Wek

Amber Valetta

Bridget Hall

Carolyn Murphy

Claudia Schiffer

Cindy Crawford

Christy Turlington

Eve Salvail

Guinevere van Seenus

Helena Christensen

Jade Parfitt

Karen Mulder

Kristen McMenamy

Shalom Harlow

Stella Tennant

Trish Goff

Kirsten Owen

Sybil Buck

Can’t forget, my favorite eye candy Charley Speed !

I spent the majority of the day cooking. It’s almost grocery time and there are bits and pieces of random edibles that I didn’t have the heart to throw away, so I got creative. I made quinoa with veggies, turmeric, saffron, in a light tomato sauce. I also prepared lentils and rice with chick peas, spinach, onions, spices, also in a light tomato sauce. I’m now waiting for the pizza dough to rise, so I can stick it in the fridge to make a lovely cheese and spinach pizza. Mmmmm.

I love cooking and I love rising to the challenge of running low on groceries, but not low enough to make a trip to the grocery store– the in between stage when I usually run out of ideas because my meal plans have ended from the week before. Not even a left over in sight. But, problem solved and I had fun in the process!

Need. Coffee. Now.

Some of the best art and music emerged during times of economic hardships, personal struggles, wars.

The expansion will be completed April 2010.

I went to bed at 2AM and here it is 8AM and I’m wide awake. Seems like everyone in the apartment building decided to be loud, in unison. The painters and the maintenance workers decided to have an amplified conversation about flat screen TVs and backyard decks. Someone leaving decided it was a good idea to slam the door on their way out. The neighbors kids across the hall ALWAYS talk… SCREAM in the breezeway and stomp from the first floor all the way up here to the third floor. There’s a man with a son that lives diagonal from me who is always explaining things to his son as they leave for school/ work. Everyone here likes to walk and talk. I personally don’t like to hold conversations in the breezeway because it echoes and I figure no one wants to hear my conversation.

Dan, my boyfriend, left for work and came back inside because he forgot something, probably his phone or iPod. Needless to say, his opening and closing the door three times didn’t help my attempt on falling back asleep. So, here I am… slightly groggy and slightly energized from a changed sleeping pattern.

Not sure what I’ll do today. I guess napping is going to have to make it’s wat into my day, somehow, or else I’ll be in bed by 6PM with the way I’m feeling now! Furthermore, it really doesn’t help that it’s gloomy outside.